i have a real problem with shitty parents in general, i don’t really have any sympathy for them. and in my experience the way a parent treats their kid where people can see is the tip of the iceberg in terms of how they treat them in private, and how deep the damage goes.
there’s nothing wrong with being how courtney seems to be - kind of a mess, constantly dramatizing things, quick to react with unchecked emotion, etc. like, really. hell, i’m very frequently like that myself. a lot of people are. but there’s a fuck ton wrong with being like that if you are responsible for a child.
for me there is zero excuse for publicly talking shit about your kid, airing your issues, involving your kid in your drama bullshit, etc. etc. the selfishness of it reminds me of my grandma in the worst way.
i had to look it up to remember exactly, but something that stuck out to me when her daughter was younger and there was all the custody shit is this quote from frances about her grandmother: “We’ve moved so much, and my life has been so inconsistent,” she said. “[She’s] the most constant thing I’ve ever had. I’m really lucky because I’ve been able to go places and meet people you can only dream of, but she’s probably the person I respect most out of anybody in the world.”
and then, when someone who had offered her child consistency and earned her respect got custody, courtney publicly said a lot of awful shit about them all (frances, her grandmother and her aunt).
none of this shit about her would matter or be worth passing judgement on if she weren’t a parent. i judge parents, or actually parents with options - it’s a whole different thing if you really are your kid’s best option, you know? we do what we can. but anyways i judge parents who have options super hard.
parents with money, and other less fucked-up, willing adults around, who because they want to experience raising their kid (‘want to experience’ because they want it for their own benefit, not their child’s) don’t deal with their issues and fail at putting their kid first and actively try to keep their child from stability and emotional safety because they want that child around? fuck them.
i could go on about this for actual days i think, so i’m gonna stop. but that all probably gives you an idea.
sidenote, why am i getting messages here that seem like they’re for my main blog? it’s not like, upsetting or bad exactly but strange and sort of inefficient-feeling. anyways.
Anonymous: what you just reblogged about the girl being freed is from the onion, a network based on satire. obviously.
why are you following my blog if you think i don’t know that? who DOESN’T know that? i get to take issue with the topic they chose to use for their satire while also being amused by the general idea of it. i dislike people who think they’re cleverer than everyone else, even wjen they’re wrong and it’s kinda funny. whoever you are, you should stop (following me, i mean, i doubt you can stop being like that). also why ask here and not on my actual blog? that’s weird and takes extra weird effort. weird. anyways.
Anonymous: thankyou so much for your advice. it was difficult to read, but i guess i just needed someone to be honest with me. i haven't told any of my friends about it so i couldn't really turn to them for help. but with confronting him with everything, how should i do it? should i message him or speak to him face to face, and what would i say? i don't want to lose him as a friend because we've been close for years, but you're right i shouldn't let someone treat me like this. i just wish i'd known sooner.
of course. absolutely of course. and, i know it was. it must have been. ‘cause like i said, this is a shitty situation and facing that when you’ve been trying really hard not to, it’s like you’re fighting yourself kind of. so seriously good for you for getting to this place in your head, already. that’s a lot, it’s worth a lot, you know?
i’m guessing maybe you haven’t told your friends because of the part of you that has known or, understood, felt, all along what the reality of this was. so a part of you knew if you told them, they would see him for what he was and that’s a complicated fear. because first of all you don’t want them to tell you the reality and you don’t want them to try and push you to deal with anything before you’re ready and you also don’t want them to judge you, for letting him treat you that way already. there’s this weird feeling of shame, when someone treats you like shit, where you end up feeling like it makes you even *less* somehow because you didn’t see it right away or you didn’t stand up for yourself or whatever.
but the point is, none of that is actually true. none of this says anything about you, at all, other than that you trusted someone that you care about. that’s all. he’s the wrong one here. if your friends care about you, they won’t judge you or push you or any of it, they’ll just listen. it doesn’t feel like that will happen but it very likely will. so like, if you feel like you could talk to your friends, then don’t be afraid to. don’t worry about it. i understand if you still can’t or don’t want to, but i know those fears can get in the way.
as for confronting him, honestly however you feel most comfortable is best, with a preference for in person. or, better put, like.. the closer to ‘in person’ the better, but if you aren’t comfortable or don’t feel confident enough or any of the above, then move back a level. you know?
just tell him kind of, what you told me. or at least approach it that way. go over what happened. start where you feel the beginning is, whether it’s when you first had feelings for each other, or when he was flirting with you over the summer, or whatever. start, state things clearly. state what happened. validate it to yourself, before you try to talk to him, that helps. but things like, you did this, and this, and those things are flirting. you were flirting with me. you were messing with my emotions. clear, statements of reality.
you don’t have to call him names or even use an unkind tone, at all. just be honest about your feelings, about your pain, and if there is someone who is a friend to you in there, he should own up to what he’s been doing. if he doesn’t, he’s not your friend anymore, honestly.
and i know it’s hard to even like, get started. open the conversation. it’s really really hard to talk about something that no one else will talk about. that’s part of what sucks. that’s also why you are completely justified in feeling angry and upset and letting those emotions out, btw. but. you can say as little as ‘i need to talk to you’ and then go how you feel from there, or you can be as specific as ‘i need to talk to you about the other night at the party (or whenever)’ and then branch out from there. whatever gets you on the topic, and then you kind of go how you feel.
don’t beat yourself up for not knowing sooner. that’s the whole game, that was the whole point. the whole idea was for you to not figure it out, any sooner. that’s why he went about all this the way he did, consciously or not. so that you wouldn’t quite be able to figure it out. that’s not your fault, it’s his. remember that as much as you can.
Anonymous: how can i make friends? I have none and im really lonely and suicidal sometimes. i graduated high school in 2011. i want to go to uni. but it costs a lot and i dont feel smart enough. im depressed and i have ptsd. what should i do, i keep trying to get help with school, and get a job but its really impossible. job interviews are hard because people incorrectly judge me. my family keeps saying things like im going to go to school and become rich and support them. i want to die
therapy. that’s the first thing that jumps to mind, i guess ‘cause it is something that is helping me right now. but i know that is hard on so many impractical levels, never mind all the potential practical obstacles. it’s a lot. but it can also help so much, even just having a thing to do at a set time once a week (or whenever, you know). and that will allow you to at least have an avenue for things that could help your depression and ptsd (i don’t think just going to therapy will magically help, but going and having that.. opening? gives you the chance to find things that will, possible solutions etc.)
for friends, first get used to doing things alone. maybe you already are, but if you aren’t (i mean i didn’t have friends for years and years but i still didn’t get used to doing things alone, i just got used to not doing anything) then start trying. go to the park, go window shopping, go hang out in cafes and bookstores. get accustomed to existing in the world on your own. then, engage in stuff around you. think about what interests you, find groups or activities or anything, relating to that. use the internet! the internet is really good for finding these things, and also for finding people in general. if it weren’t for the internet i would not have met anyone i know right now. honestly. which, whoa, is scary to think about, as in.. thank goodness for the internet.
but i digress. those are the key steps. learn who you are, find people who are doing things you like or things you think are cool, or find people who have expressed an interest in those things, and go engage in those things with them. don’t think of it as a friend-finding mission, think of it as engaging in life, and think of any time spent around others as time you are lucky to have. that helps it be less hard, especially at first.
i think going from having friends to having none, it’s hard to transition back in. you aren’t going to have people to just hang out with, for a while. you aren’t going to have someone to call. but if you don’t have that now, like.. whatever you don’t have now, you’re no worse off if you still don’t have it. and you’ll have other things. you’ll have time spent interacting and socializing with people. that’s all you should go after, at first. just time logged with other humans. savor it. value it.
during that time, be yourself, which is the most trite phrase ever maybe but just, do. be open to everyone around you, look at them like, people you are lucky to be around. and try to enjoy whatever you can.
once you can do that, and find even a tiny piece of peace and contentment in it, that’s what opens up the path for more to come your way.
i know all of this seems almost impossible. i know. i can’t begin to explain how well i know. i feel like i keep giving this advice and then explaining how i know you won’t want to take it or feel like you can, but i do know that because i know these feelings, i do. but there will be a moment and maybe there already are moments when you are willing to do anything, try anything, or when you can maybe see a little bit how something here might be a good idea, or, something. just a moment, and then this will be good advice, and these will be good ideas.
i hope this helps someone, this is another older message but i really hope it helps someone even a little bit.
Anonymous: me and a close guy friend have had a thing for eachother for ages, we’ve said we liked eachother but we’ve never been out. in summer i went on holiday and he messaged me pretty much every day on facebook, and flirting with me. at one point he even said ‘i knew you had a dirty side.’ he’s not pervy or anything, i just didn’t expect him to say something like that to me, and in a way i kind of liked it. after i came home, he didn’t message me for weeks and out of the blue he’s in a relationship, with this girl that he’s never mentioned before. i didn’t really know what to do because whenever he saw me in town and he was with her, he acted distant and didn’t really speak to me much. the other night a friend of mine had a party and i ended up drinking quite abit, but his girlfriend wasn’t there. we were all sitting on this sofa bed watching movies and i felt really uncomfy where i was sitting and he kept telling me to sit on his lap or lie next to him, and when i started falling asleep, i was curled up next to him and i felt him tapping his fingers on my knees. i can’t really remember what we talked about but i remember him saying he had to leave the party early and i walked over to him when he was at the door and he held his arms out, so i hugged him and we just kind of stood still for a while. but the next day i felt so awful about everything like i should of stayed away because he has a girlfriend, but he never tried to push me away and it’s just wierd because when i was on the bus with him and his girlfriend, the whole time he just sat in silence while his girlfriend was just talking to her friends behind him. i don’t dislike her, she’s lovely but we aren’t really close friends. i just don’t understand why he was so flirty and stuff when he messaged me and at the party. at the party too, when he was taking photos, i was sitting next to him and whenever a picture of me came up he said i looked adorable, sorry this is so long but i thought i should just say everything. i just think it’s strange because sometimes he’s so distant and gives me one word answers and other times he’ll text me just to see how i am, or just be nice for no reason. i keep thinking about him and i don’t know if it’s wrong but we just have so much in common and i feel like i can tell him anything apart from all of this.
it’s okay. i understand, you probably also kind of needed to say everything. sometimes part of telling someone is like, getting it all out and in order for your own mind and your own self, too, you know? i think that part helps a lot.
you are breaking my heart here, doll. you obviously really like this guy and to the point where or in that way where, he has power over you. and see, he’s treating you like shit, and it’s making you feel like shit, but you don’t want to think of him like that, and you don’t want to think of the good things you’ve felt because of him, or with him, like that. i don’t blame you in the slightest, but it’s obviously hurting you.
a part of me doesn’t want to be too harsh on him because i want you to know i understand, because i do. i really do. so you don’t want to be too hard on him, and i guess i can feel that, and that makes me want to hold back. but in reality, i was reading this and just thinking, “douche. douche. douche.” repeatedly because that is what he is being. he is being a douche. he hasn’t been upfront or honest or real with you, at all. he’s not saying anything ‘real’ to you, which is sort of more insidious and gross than an outright lie because, if he just treats you like he wants something, or like he likes you, if he flirts with you and all of that but never says anything clear-cut? he gets to enjoy that without any real consequences. he doesn’t have to either change things with his girlfriend, or make it clear to you that he’s not going to.
that whole flirting, then not talking to you for weeks then suddenly being in a relationship deal is fucked up. it’s bullshit. he fucked with your head. and like, it could have started out innocently but then maybe he met this other girl, that he liked, he should’ve told you that. he should have been upfront with you and instead he said nothing, he ignored you, fucking radio silence, that’s shitty.
and how he’s acted with you since is more of the same bullshit. going from distant to suddenly, when his girlfriend isn’t there, acting differently and flirting with you again, etc. is manipulative and gross and really you shouldn’t feel guilty for getting pulled into it, that’s what it’s designed to do. he’s the problem, here.
the reason he’s doing this, the reason he flirted with you and acted like he did at the party, is because he wants to keep things like they are. which is, stringing you along, while keeping things the same with his girlfriend. the fact that this includes making you feel like shit and setting her up to feel like shit, is apparently prioritized below what he wants.
he doesn’t respect either of you, and whether he cares about either of you or not is irrelevant, because he obviously cares much more about himself. he is toxic, and he is hurting you.
i know you don’t feel like you can tell him. i pretty much know why, too, because a part of you must know or must feel that whatever his response or reaction is, isn’t going to be what you want. but i honestly think that might be the best thing to do, short of just cutting him out of your life. and i doubt that’s something you feel ready to do, at all. but the only way you’re going to get any closure or anything solid, anything real here, is if you talk to him about this. confront him with the reality. ask the hard questions. ask them quickly and clearly, prepare them beforehand.
just, whatever you do, try to get him to own up to something, some part of this. because he is responsible, and getting him to admit it in any way will let you see it, too. it’s so hard to see from where you are, SO INCREDIBLY HARD. trust me, i know.
there’s also a chance that he won’t acknowledge reality, that he will back away and back away and try and snow you again, but you have to hold onto the reality, and see that for what it is, a scared boy backing away from real things. a coward.
i wish i had more advice on how to push through, because it is so hard and you don’t want to and you might read all this and decide i’m full of shit because this is a pretty sucky reality. at least, that’s what i would probably do. i just hope that some of it resonates in some way, and that when you are ready, some of it can help.
i have so much love and positive thoughts and wishes for you, honestly. <3 <3 <3
Anonymous: Hello, thank you very much for your words. They were a comfort. I've made friends now, but it doesn't make a difference? I can never wrap my head around the very strange way that when things go how you want, more sadness comes. I think it might be because wanting things is how you stave the sadness off. I can't get anything done. I've been home sick, but I'm not sick I am starving. in your life have you learned ways of making yourself get up and stop hating your surroundings?
this is from so long ago, and i’m so sorry i didn’t answer it sooner. i think i didn’t probably because at the time i hadn’t learned ways of doing that, or i didn’t think i had. and probably i felt ashamed. which is silly i think, but.
in my experience more sadness comes because you want more. what you miss, is the feeling of wanting what you now have, because you have it now, so that problem seems more solvable. AND because once you’ve gotten the thing you wanted, you don’t know what else to want. so in that way, yes, wanting things helps. it’s that having something to look forward to feeling, sometimes. and wanting it back. like at the end of a birthday party or two hours after you’ve opened the last present on christmas. the feeling when everyone goes home and you’re by yourself again.
there are a lot of up and down emotions that come with life changes. it’s gonna feel like that, a lot. like you’re happy and now you’re devastated and when you’re happy you’re terrified it’ll leave and when you’re devastated you’re certain it’ll stay.
the only solution to this is to keep moving forwards. force yourself through that which seems pointless. as if its life and death, you have to force yourself. manufacture a sense of urgency if you need to, nothing is more important than continuing on. nothing is more vital than creating a routine or not losing one you already have, those things are like life blood to your mood and stability, honestly.
the things that feel like the most useless exercise in self-torture will save you in the long run, i swear. but, they might not do it alone. ‘cause i’ve been through times where i’ve forced myself to do things but it wasn’t enough, so i said fuck it all! that was the wrong choice. if what you’re doing isn’t enough, you actually need to do more. just where you can, when you can. maybe in the times when you tend to feel most sad. create something to do, in those times.
fuck, i could take that advice myself right now. i get sad in the evenings, when i feel like everyone is getting home from their jobs or going out with their friends and just, generally reaping the benefits of their challenging yet productive lives, and i’m alone and useless, again. the answer to that, or a good answer, is to do something specific in that time. something else. something to which i can attach a sense of necessity, ideally something productive. maybe cleaning. maybe going for a walk. something other than sitting with my thoughts.
and that’s basically the answer. the way to make yourself get up, is to literally force yourself. really think about what it is you hate about your surroundings, and do something that might improve them. that’s harder than it sounds, because sometimes what happens with me anyway is i kind of think like.. changing something small would be like accepting defeat? like i just want to leave, right, not make this awful place more palatable. while that’d be great, it’s not a real thing. the only way to improve the big things, is to improve the small things first. i swear.
improving something small helps your mood, and that helps your outlook, which can help basically everything if you do it enough. it’s not easy. it’s actually really really really really hard. but it’s a path, and it’s possible, and you can do it. or you can at least try. and the worst that can happen in trying is you’ll make things maybe not the big kind of different you’re hoping for, but at least a little tiny bit better. and that actually helps more than you would think.
so i need to keep up with this blog better. i’ve gotten questions and felt like i didn’t know how to answer them or i couldn’t say enough or, and then i got that one just now and just, knew what i wanted to say. but i want to do more of that because, well really because it feels good.
i’m probably going to go back and respond to some of the older messages, even if the person who sent them never sees them, maybe someone will who finds it relevant, at some point, you know? it’s worth doing.
but anyways just to say i didn’t mean to let it languish, like this, and i plan to stop doing that.
Anonymous: I attend college and feel so anxious being in big rooms with strangers. Every Tuesday and Thursday I have to force myself to shower and dress and drive to my Cost Accounting course and sit awkwardly between two vaguely friendly girls. I feel disconnected from everyone, save my ex-boyfriend. I felt so much less anxious while dating him, but he is ten years older than me and very selfish. He blogs constantly about missing me, but a lot of his blogging is manipulative. I just needed to tell someone
i hear that. i hear you super hard on the college-anxiety-disconnection front. like, so much. that was basically my college experience, especially when i was at home and in community college - which, i’m not sure if you are or not, but the thing about it that made it like that was having to drive there and not just being in a whole different environment, like when i first went away to school.
it’s a really uniquely isolating thing, and especially when you were with someone and now you’re not. i had a whole semester of college like that, super lonely and depressed, and going to school was totally an exercise in forcing myself to go through the motions while feeling utterly alone. and it was hugely anxiety-producing.
you probably know this, but keep going. no matter what. ‘cause you’ll feel just as anxious and just as awful if you don’t, and the only difference is all that anxiety will have been for nothing.
also, stop yourself from reading your ex-boyfriend’s blog whenever you can. you probably know that, too, but not knowing stuff you don’t need to know, helps SO much. in the moment think of it like, you can always read it later if you really want to. he’ll still be there and his manipulative bullshit will still be there, later. just push yourself through each individual moment, which is really how you do everything, but, you know.
also sometimes it helps to make it into a challenge. like, feel powerful not looking at stuff that you don’t need to see! like, ha! you don’t need that shit.
there are lots of ways to do it, though, and you probably already know, like i said. ‘cause i know you weren’t looking specifically for advice, but i guess i am familiar with your feelings and like, if i could go back and tell me that stuff, if i actually got past me to listen, i would save her at least some pain. but, so, even if you already know all the stuff i said, know that i know how you feel. write me again whenever you need to.
Anonymous: i've become so utterly bored with everything, i dont think i feel true passion for anything. the only things i do, it seems, i do only because i know nothing else. i read of all the beautiful things that are and have been and i want to be passionate for something. anything. im willing to accept the darkness but it wont allow for any shades of grey. i dont even know if my feelings are real or just a shade of grey. i cant talk to anyone about this, i cant, the thought of doing so makes me cringe.
change something. something tangible, real, physical. ignore your feelings for a while, don’t bury them, but let them be what they are for now. you can’t think your way out of them. stop thinking. above all, stop thinking. or fuck, think less. much less. when you catch yourself analyzing, stop instantly and go do something. even if every cell in your body says, ‘that would be pointless and i don’t care enough to do it leave me alone’ do it anyway. force yourself. it’ll be like running through sand, but do it anyway. your mind is on the verge of drowning you, what have you got to lose?
if you stay still you’ll drown, or you’ll float in endless numb stasis. if you’re bored and you don’t care then do something else. do things you don’t know. make yourself really really uncomfortable. at least that’s different. embrace shitty emotions, get to the other side of them.
once you stop thinking, and start doing, your thoughts will start to organize. you might start to understand what was holding you back, what was making everything seem so much like nothing.
when you think about all the things you’re not doing, the passion you don’t feel, what you’re missing, do you feel sad? when you feel sad, do you push it down right away and go back to feeling nothing? i’m reaching now maybe but that’s kind of how it sounds. it seems like there’s sadness you don’t want to access, and that’s keeping you from really being present in anything. and if it’s not that exactly (i would, see that everywhere) there’s still something.. some thread or piece where there’s something between you and experiencing life.
throwing yourself uncomfortably into life, even when it feels really wrong or pointless or whatever, usually helps with that kind of thing. it’s like when you wake up in the morning if you get out of bed, and walk around, it’ll take a while but even if you’re really exhausted eventually you start to feel more awake. by the middle of the day, you feel awake. but if you stay in bed all day you just stay groggy and lightheaded and out of it, and if you never get out of bed it’s like that all the time, and you forget you were ever really awake. and at that point it’s going to take a whole lot of walking around, to wake up again.
sorry i have such rambling metaphors. i’m going to post this before i lose the point entirely.
Anonymous: I'm tired. I don't know what to chose, the thing I love, but I have to be closeted for, my school work, my family, my friends, sleep?! argh also where are you with God, like right now AT THIS MOMENT?
choose all of them. and none of them. i think, or i think that’s the best way to put it. you sound overwhelmed, and i know that’s what happens when you take on too much and you feel like you have to make ‘a choice’ but like a big choice, you know? in reality though it’s more grey than that, you have to make little choices, let some things be a little less to make room for other things to be a little more, but none of it necessarily needs to fall away completely and nothing is forever. letting something fade for a little while doesn’t mean you can’t bring it back later, even though it very often feels that way.
and when you choose what to cut back on, what to let fade, you have to weigh your priorities. which is, it seems really difficult and i think kind of impossible but when doing this it’s still important to remember that nothing is forever. it’s also important to remember that how you feel now, in an overwhelmed state, is very all-or-nothing and ultimate and like, ahhh!! so everything also seems more difficult then it will once you get your life to a more manageable place. that’s what makes it worth it. so even if, say, the thing you choose to cut back on, if later you realize that you actually should’ve picked something else, it won’t be all impossible and incredibly hard to fix as it might seem right now. because just taking some of the pressure off will make life easier.
that’s good to keep thinking about, when you have to make choices and think about uncomfortable and difficult things and push through things that are hard and shitty, once you deal with a problem, there’s more space in your brain. there’s relief and space and a wonderful release of pressure and that knowledge is a really good motivator, sometimes.
also, about choices in general usually how it is is you know what choice to make, deep down but that choice is imperfect and your brain is waiting for a perfect choice. even though perfect choices don’t exist, your brain just really wants to find one so it won’t let you commit to the real one that you know is right.
so sometimes you have to let go of all the rules your mind has made usually without even really telling you, but like.. parameters of what is and is not an acceptable choice, you know? like, i could do thing a, but oh wait i can’t because (arbitrary rule x). and the rules don’t feel arbitrary, they seem to make sense that’s how your brain snuck them past you but they’re actually just holding you back.
i hope that helps about choosing because i think if i keep going on it i’ll end up in this odd combination of overly vague yet also obtuse and, yeah.
where am i with god? whoa, that is a big question or it can be i guess. i wonder if you mean how i feel or what i think or, maybe a little of both? what i think of god is, i don’t even know if ‘god’ is the right word, for what i’m ever thinking of. i don’t know if i believe in a single all-knowing kind of thing, i don’t think that’s likely at all. i would say it’s impossible except i guess sort of nothing is, but you know, nearly.
mostly i think it would be a terrible tragedy if when we died there was just, nothing, if we just ceased to exist. cessation of existence is a really horrible thing, to me. so there’s no point for me in believing in that because then life would just be like a fucking death march, which in a way it is but it needn’t be if there is literally anything at all, beyond this life. i don’t care what it is, or actually i would care and i do care but i can’t know, i can never figure it out so there’s no sense worrying about it.